Down a blind alley

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! As I lay on my bed that first evening these words wandered in and out of my mind. What had I said to the doctors and others around me in my state of confusion? Had I insulted them or sworn at them? Was I responsible for my words and actions? At one moment I would burst into tears at the idea that I had shamed myself and the Lord by my words and at the next I wondered if I had said anything at all. As a nurse or a doctor passed by I would ask if I had upset anybody by my words. One of my fellow patients had evidently been very upset by somebody and I had to wonder if it had been me who was responsible. As it turned out it was nothing to do with me at all. But it seemed as though almost anything wrong around me was something to do with me. What a horrible position to be in- not knowing whether I had done something reprehensible - and not being able to work out how much I was at fault.

I was brought up in the east End of London during the 1960s and 70s. For this reason it is hardly surprising that evil thoughts and vile words that were current then would find a place in my mind. This is why I had often, in the past, been fearful at the prospect of being in a semi-conscious state or even sleeptalking in a room with others. Why? Because I alone, among men, know my thought life and the words and ideas that swill about in the dark recesses of my mind. I have long been able to restrain and discipline my tongue from the worst excesses (at least from my point of view). But what when stress, mental illness, senility or injury rob us of that restraint?

But - thank God - I think I was delivered from blowing these thoughts up out of all proportion. As matters became clearer it appeared to me that I may have been straining at gnats and swallowing camels. Of course swearing, cursing and vile language are important and are often indicators of what is in our hearts, but I suspected that there were other sinful attitudes that were being uncovered in me.

One particular visitor, a pastor, helped me greatly in getting to grips with my thinking. He quickly reminded me of how it was possible to misinterpret God's dealings with us because of our irrational fears. He pointed out the episode in which David showed such fear after he had been annointed but Saul remained on the throne and attempted to hunt him down. He also went into the detail of the story of David and Ziklag to reinforce the point that God has good purposes for his people and that they, through fear, can forget those purposes. It was wondrous to see how a wise pastor is able to bring solid comfort from God's Word so readily. I have seen this up close on few occasions but was glad that this time the counsel was directed towards me.